I have shelpt (word?) along my computer on this 50 minute bus ride to the Brazil/Uruguay border town of Chuy for the sole purpose of writing you. It’s a big ass inconvenience to bring it, given that I’m on a shopping mission and my backpack is soon to overflow with 30 lbs or more of provisions. I could do without the extra weight and the bother of having to keep it safe. Too, I’ll have to walk about a mile and a half from the bus stop back to my cabaña in a 95F blazing sun, yet despite all that, I’ve brought it seeking relief from the nagging feeling of wanting to write you. Truth is, a day hasn’t gone by for over a month that I haven’t thought about finishing #48, but… I don’t know… it just hasn’t flowed. I start, stop, delete, restart, get frustrated, discard, wait, jot down notes, start again, stop, save with a promise to finish later and next thing I know Christmas, New Year and the first full moon of 2014 have come and gone. This need to write you has nothing to do with guilt. It’s a call turned torment, a desire devoid of inspiration, like going through 9 months of pregnancy with no baby inside. The problem, were I to be 100% honest, is the remnants of fear-based thought patterns around “not good enough”. I thought I was done with them, but alas, they raise their ugly faces. I’ve come to peace with the fact that they may never go totally away. My new approach is just recognize when they have wedged their way back in line, give them no energy and turn my attention toward mental activities that do serve me…such as writing this.
So, Giiit on with it! as my cousin Earl used to exclaim.
It would be a big fat lie to say the reason I haven’t written sooner is I was waiting to hear from Disney. Actually, I had forgotten about Disney until inquiries from several of you came trickling in (which by the way, means much to me that you remembered and cared enough to ask. Part of the “call” to write this is I love hearing from you).
The deal is, on Jan 2, the hiring coordinator wrote on behalf of the Disney family that, while they so appreciate the effort it took to fill out their 500 page application…..blhaa, blhaa, blhaaa….and endure a 40 minute phone interview….blahaa, blhaa, blhaa and to make time to come to the audition…..blhaa,blhaa,blhaaa…. AND, furthermore, they recognize my capabilities and talent as exceptional… blhaa, blhaa, blhaaa …., BUT, bottomline, they have selected other candidates whose background and experience more closely align with the qualifications and requirements for their 2014 guiding season. Blhaa. So be it. For the best, I’ve decided, in light of some self-reflection on the whole Disney experience.
In the midst of the excitement of such a huge name showing interest in little ole me, I totally lost sight of all I have done to remove myself from what Disney stands for: commercialism, consumerism, mass mentality and conformity. I left my career with DISD, sold my house, got rid of my stuff, left the U.S. and followed my heart to South America precisely because I wasn’t living aligned with what rings true for me. One email from Mickey and I was once again a puppet on a string stressing myself out to the max for fear of not measuring up…of not having what the American dream says I should have in order to be happy.
FEAR is the key word there. At the time I was freaking out because GCF had canceled so many of my Cuba trips and I didn’t have anything else lined up. I was afraid of running out of money, and of what people were thinking about me not having a steady job, and of my resume only reflecting experience with one tour company, and….blhaa, blhaa, blhaa.
Warning: the wisest parts of me are about to spontaneously bust out in a flash mob confession.
Were I to accept a job with Disney, I would be “using” them. My heart would not be in it. I wanted their name on my resume. They are not about what I am about. When I step back and retro-observe all I did to impress them, to try to make them like me, I see so clearly that a former me had a knee-jerk reaction to seeking approval. It was about me trying to fit them, not them embracing the authentic Gigi that has emerged in the past four years. The whole thing was dripping with a drool of desperation and that’s no place to act from. The Universe has affirmed the truth of these realizations by providing the following opportunities, which I share under the heading of Good News.
1. I have signed a contract with Road Scholar and will be leading two confirmed trips to Cuba in February for them
2. LeapNow (http://www.leapnow.org/leapyear/ ---check it out…is it not totally me?) is moving forward with the interview process for the fall semester
3. GAdventures (love that name!!) wrote three days ago that based on my application they think we might be a good match and would like for me to send along my resume and cover letter. This would be to lead adventure/camping trips in the U.S. this summer.
See? Here’s what I say to the many of you who I know are unhappy in your jobs—get clear on what’s important to you, let go of ALL voices (including your own) that are not supportive of you taking a risk, make a transition plan, follow through, reevaluate what you really “need” to live, be patient and keep the faith. Exactly what you want will manifest for you, if you have the courage to let go of your own resistance and walk through the fears that keep you stuck in less-than-fulfilled. We make ourselves think that we don’t have a choice, but the bottom line is we do. It just comes with consequences that may initially be uncomfortable. With time, attention and perseverance all of it can transform into what you want. Amen. Aho. Hallelujah. Oz has spoken.
The main going-on with me right now is the detox diet, Clean (http://www.cleanprogram.com/), I started on Jan 8. I’m not gonna shitcha, I feel poopy. It’s day 12 of no caffeine, no refined sugar, no gluten, no alcohol nor lactose and my body is rebelling. I have a cold, I’m grumpy and my hoochie itches like a banshee (and don’t say “TMI”. I hate that expression. It is what it is, a bodily ailment, no grosser than a snotty nose)….all of which is “normal” when detoxing, because your body wants to get rid of all the accumulated crap it has had to work so hard to filter out and warehouse. Why am I putting myself through this? Principally, I’d call it stepping up to the plate. I’ve concluded that it just ain’t right for me to keep blaming God and telling her/him/it to fuck off when I have a depression, if I’m not doing everything in my power to prevent them. That would include not ingesting substances known to contribute to them. Second, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since I was in my teens and I’m simply tired of it making me feel disempowered. It’s time I turned toward it and asked, what’s the deal? What’s this really about? In essence, it is some part of me that is in pain and wants my attention. It’s got it. So now it’s just a question of discernment and courage.
It just occurred to me that some of you weren't privy to that snippet of very personal information… the eating disorder. So, now you are. My hope is that my transparency helps others to let go of shame. I wasn't kidding last travelogue when I said Disney’s request of me to tell a story about my most embarrassing moment rubbed me the wrong way. Shame is one of the most destructive emotions we have. It has been, and continues to be, used to manipulate people into being “good.” The truth is that what it actually does is create self-hatred, which is the source, in my humble opinion, of all the world’s ills. I did a lot of reflecting on shame when I walked the Camino and I got down right pissed off about how much my teachers, parents, pastors, siblings, church community and society in general used it to make me be a “good girl.” I realized all of that was unnecessary. I was, and still am, inherently good. I would have turned out just fine, better than fine, without all that shit they put in my head. The harm I have done has all been rooted in a lack of self-love. I am 100% convinced that someone who has a loving relationship with him/her self has no need to inflict pain on anyone else. The only reason we do that is we feel disempowered. Anyway, after making that realization along the road, then I had to dedicate a few days of walking to forgiveness—forgiving those who used shame to take my power away and forgiving myself for allowing it in, believing it, and not defending myself from it.
This is starting to sound preachy to me. It’s not intentional…just what’s on my mind…the inner journey. Back to the detox. The other reason I’m doing it is timing. When I’m leading a trip, I’ve got to eat whatever they are serving my clients, which in Cuba is a limited selection. I’ve had/will have the whole month of January in my little cabana with a kitchen where I’m free to prepare whatever food I feel like. Given my lifestyle, I don’t have that opportunity often. I’m not pretending that I’ll never consume coffee, wine, cheese or bread again. I just wanted to hit the reset button, get in balance and then eat consciously for the right reasons.
I promised to write about the Camino. On Sunday I had an experience that is soooooo typical of the kind of serendipity stuff that happens around the Camino. A friend here in town who sells whole foods invited me to a nutrition workshop in Punta Ballena, 4 bus rides from here. I’m traipsing across the grounds of the retreat center where it’s being held and what do I see?
My heart lept. Just the mere sight of that sign brought up in me the glee of my journey on the Camino. Turns out that the woman who owns the center has walked it three times and written a book about her experience. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to talk to her about her process, because we had to catch our jeep back to the bus stop.
Meeting her, even ever so briefly, was a clear sign that I am to write about my experiences on the Camino….when the time is right. This moment isn’t it. I don't say that to jack with you. It's not a tease. It's what I really feel.
Upcoming schedule:
now-Jan 29 Uruguay
Jan 30-Feb 20—two back to back trips to Cuba
Feb 20-25 Dallas
Feb 25- March 20—two more back to back trips to Cuba
March 20-? Uruguay
As soon as it warms to shortsleeve weather in the U.S., I’ll probably go to VA to visit the homeplace and my cousins. Perhaps a company will have hired me to lead trips June/July in the Southwest, U.S. A vision quest in Oregon in August looks to be brewing, which means visiting friends on the West Coast. That’s a sketch of the next 8 months. Who knows?
I always love hearing from you.
Much love, G
1. I have signed a contract with Road Scholar and will be leading two confirmed trips to Cuba in February for them
2. LeapNow (http://www.leapnow.org/leapyear/ ---check it out…is it not totally me?) is moving forward with the interview process for the fall semester
3. GAdventures (love that name!!) wrote three days ago that based on my application they think we might be a good match and would like for me to send along my resume and cover letter. This would be to lead adventure/camping trips in the U.S. this summer.
See? Here’s what I say to the many of you who I know are unhappy in your jobs—get clear on what’s important to you, let go of ALL voices (including your own) that are not supportive of you taking a risk, make a transition plan, follow through, reevaluate what you really “need” to live, be patient and keep the faith. Exactly what you want will manifest for you, if you have the courage to let go of your own resistance and walk through the fears that keep you stuck in less-than-fulfilled. We make ourselves think that we don’t have a choice, but the bottom line is we do. It just comes with consequences that may initially be uncomfortable. With time, attention and perseverance all of it can transform into what you want. Amen. Aho. Hallelujah. Oz has spoken.
The main going-on with me right now is the detox diet, Clean (http://www.cleanprogram.com/), I started on Jan 8. I’m not gonna shitcha, I feel poopy. It’s day 12 of no caffeine, no refined sugar, no gluten, no alcohol nor lactose and my body is rebelling. I have a cold, I’m grumpy and my hoochie itches like a banshee (and don’t say “TMI”. I hate that expression. It is what it is, a bodily ailment, no grosser than a snotty nose)….all of which is “normal” when detoxing, because your body wants to get rid of all the accumulated crap it has had to work so hard to filter out and warehouse. Why am I putting myself through this? Principally, I’d call it stepping up to the plate. I’ve concluded that it just ain’t right for me to keep blaming God and telling her/him/it to fuck off when I have a depression, if I’m not doing everything in my power to prevent them. That would include not ingesting substances known to contribute to them. Second, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since I was in my teens and I’m simply tired of it making me feel disempowered. It’s time I turned toward it and asked, what’s the deal? What’s this really about? In essence, it is some part of me that is in pain and wants my attention. It’s got it. So now it’s just a question of discernment and courage.
It just occurred to me that some of you weren't privy to that snippet of very personal information… the eating disorder. So, now you are. My hope is that my transparency helps others to let go of shame. I wasn't kidding last travelogue when I said Disney’s request of me to tell a story about my most embarrassing moment rubbed me the wrong way. Shame is one of the most destructive emotions we have. It has been, and continues to be, used to manipulate people into being “good.” The truth is that what it actually does is create self-hatred, which is the source, in my humble opinion, of all the world’s ills. I did a lot of reflecting on shame when I walked the Camino and I got down right pissed off about how much my teachers, parents, pastors, siblings, church community and society in general used it to make me be a “good girl.” I realized all of that was unnecessary. I was, and still am, inherently good. I would have turned out just fine, better than fine, without all that shit they put in my head. The harm I have done has all been rooted in a lack of self-love. I am 100% convinced that someone who has a loving relationship with him/her self has no need to inflict pain on anyone else. The only reason we do that is we feel disempowered. Anyway, after making that realization along the road, then I had to dedicate a few days of walking to forgiveness—forgiving those who used shame to take my power away and forgiving myself for allowing it in, believing it, and not defending myself from it.
This is starting to sound preachy to me. It’s not intentional…just what’s on my mind…the inner journey. Back to the detox. The other reason I’m doing it is timing. When I’m leading a trip, I’ve got to eat whatever they are serving my clients, which in Cuba is a limited selection. I’ve had/will have the whole month of January in my little cabana with a kitchen where I’m free to prepare whatever food I feel like. Given my lifestyle, I don’t have that opportunity often. I’m not pretending that I’ll never consume coffee, wine, cheese or bread again. I just wanted to hit the reset button, get in balance and then eat consciously for the right reasons.
I promised to write about the Camino. On Sunday I had an experience that is soooooo typical of the kind of serendipity stuff that happens around the Camino. A friend here in town who sells whole foods invited me to a nutrition workshop in Punta Ballena, 4 bus rides from here. I’m traipsing across the grounds of the retreat center where it’s being held and what do I see?
My heart lept. Just the mere sight of that sign brought up in me the glee of my journey on the Camino. Turns out that the woman who owns the center has walked it three times and written a book about her experience. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to talk to her about her process, because we had to catch our jeep back to the bus stop.
Meeting her, even ever so briefly, was a clear sign that I am to write about my experiences on the Camino….when the time is right. This moment isn’t it. I don't say that to jack with you. It's not a tease. It's what I really feel.
Upcoming schedule:
now-Jan 29 Uruguay
Jan 30-Feb 20—two back to back trips to Cuba
Feb 20-25 Dallas
Feb 25- March 20—two more back to back trips to Cuba
March 20-? Uruguay
As soon as it warms to shortsleeve weather in the U.S., I’ll probably go to VA to visit the homeplace and my cousins. Perhaps a company will have hired me to lead trips June/July in the Southwest, U.S. A vision quest in Oregon in August looks to be brewing, which means visiting friends on the West Coast. That’s a sketch of the next 8 months. Who knows?
I always love hearing from you.
Much love, G
